Why are our twenties so damn hard?
It’s like trying to skate through a land mine. There’s problems everywhere, shit coming out of nowhere, and you can’t avoid the inevitable explosions.
Heartbreak happens, which feels like the worst pain you’ll ever endure. Rent is almost always an impending fear and mostly, you just want to get high and hammock all day. (Or maybe that’s just me.)
As I approach the last chapter of my twenties, I’ve been spending time this winter reflecting on the roller coaster ride it has been.
From backpacking homelessly in California for almost four months not knowing where I was going to sleep each night to Colorado mountain adventures to living in a magical Airstream in Florida for almost a year, life has taken me all across the country. I’ve had everything from grossly unconscious experiences to life changing, soul shifting magic moments that turn the world upside down and make me remember who I am and what I came here to do.
I’ve searched and searched for love and found so much adventure along the way. I’ve returned that search back into my soul and allowed love to bloom from within. I’ve given my power away and I’ve taken it back. I’ve uncovered the true meaning of health and allowed others to find freedom in their own body, too. I shaved my head. I learned to love myself. I’ve gone from extreme people pleaser to codependent in recovery. I’ve created lifelong friendships with soul mate sisters that I feel connected to wherever we are in the world. I moved to Texas! I’ve had the courage to let my heart be broken. And I’ve opened every wound I can find and surrendered deeply to love.
There’s so much I’ve learned in my twenties that I’m immensely grateful for. And so much I want to leave behind.
To take or forsake?
It’s hard to know what we’ll outgrow and what we have to accept. It’s hard to determine what to absolutely not allow and what to soften.
Is this trash in my body that needs to be detoxed and thrown out or is it simply self-doubt that needs to be assured of it’s true magic and confidence? Does this habit need to be dropped like a hot pancake or is underneath the fear a lovable part of me that wants to be seen and not judged?
This is where intuition and experience come in, I believe.
And this is the gift my twenties has given me… the gift of knowing who I am.
My twenties felt like an initiation into my womanhood. My inner knowing, my inner truth, my inner temple. Like I lived the moments I needed to create the woman I am becoming. Understanding and knowing denser parts of me so that I can reclaim, love and accept my full self with kindness, compassion, awareness and truth.
Knowing in my body and soul that through my experiences, I now have deep trust in what I know and what I came here to do on Earth.
I am nothing, I am everything.
The question I asked myself at twenty-two was… “Who am I?”
And this cued a lifelong search to connect deeper to myself and a higher power.
Through a spiraling and winding path, I found that the answer to that is… “I am nothing. I am everything.”
In our essence, we are but a conscious source of energy. We are not our personalities, our identities, or what others have told us we are. We are not our thoughts, emotions, or actions. We are not even our bodies. We are nothing.
Yet, we are the expansiveness of the Universe, the Universal source of consciousness, a pure vibration of light. We are limitless magic and our own source of Truth. We are everything.
And it is this magic mix, this dance of knowing and surrendering, doing and being, that we find ourselves living.
If I hadn’t spent my twenties searching, I wouldn’t have found.
I wouldn’t be waking up at twenty-seven knowing that the path ahead of me is long, wonderful, and full of joy, magic and excitement. I wouldn’t have found the love, happiness, and purpose within myself that I was so desperately looking to find outside of me.
I wouldn’t be rounding out my twenties with so much confidence in myself, my path, and my higher purpose on this planet.
So, for that, toxic crazy wild twenties, I thank you for your gift of experience.